Shattered barriers

And so yet again you make me paralyzed, makes me lose control with just a glance at me. Panic that wells up inside of me. Frightened to let it shine through, these emotions that I have for you.
I want to drive you away, make you disappear from my thoughts and my presence, and still I know I never stop looking for you, never cease the longing to see you just one more time before I have to go.
Is it because your voice set a fire ablaze in me, like one I've never felt before. Or is it your presence that acts like a soothing balm, lingering when you are gone. Is it your strange and confident ways that both puzzles and confuses me. It frightens me because I understand it not. How come that when your eyes are meeting mine, the world stop for a tumbling second, before I'm forced to shy away. How many seconds would it keep holding still if I just dared to hold on to it a bit longer? But then I know not how to do that. Your eyes shatter my inner barrier, one that I can not afford to lose. Not when I don't know how you are feeling. Would you laugh at me, thinking me silly if you knew how I felt? Would you react at all?

Why Happiness?

I started to read Deepak Chopras book "The Spontaneous Fulfillment Of Desire", or rather since I read it in Swedish "" a few days ago. It's a bit of a wonder how much words can do for you, how they can make you just stop for a while and contemplate the world in a new and often very refreshing way. Concise I can say that Chopras book is about becoming aware of the universal soul that combine and exist in all living, and in some cases not living, things. To become aware of the "me" that is a part of that. And with that realization explain how you can change things and do things you before thought impossible. This book really enthrall me, it's partly just what I thought and ever believed in. And it's written in a really wonderful way, where every page leaves you full of afterthoughts and questions about life, and a sense of having gained a deeper understanding of the same. I don’t embrace all that he says in this book, there are a lot of things I don't agree with the ways he put it, but there are even more that I feel... I don't know, it's so hard to describe in words, but it's like you had these feeling, or a knowing that you haven't really been able to put in words before, and then you discover that someone has actually managed to write it down just the way you had thought about it.

The latest I read in the book made me start to think about the soul, and the reason why we strive after happiness. I know that if anyone asked me what I thought the meaning of life would be, it would be simple to answer: To live a long and happy life, and to make sure that every living being around me feel that good too. But if anyone asked me why I wanted to feel happy I don't think I could answer that. Chopra describes how almost everything we do, the reason behind it is to feel satisfaction on the spiritual plan we know as happiness, luck or love. But so far he doesn't really explain why? Why isn't it some other feeling we strive after... Not that I complain, I love feeling good and being happy, it just something I thought about... But at the same time I feel it's such a natural thing, to strive after happiness and wellbeing. Maybe it's one of those things there isn't really an answer to, it's just what it is.

I don't think mankind will ever be able to fully understand the meanings of life, the reason why some things happen and other does not, and what lies behind all the reasons and life it self. The Universe, the Power, the Soul. They are all too great and complex for us to understand. But I don't think it hurts to try and maybe get a little on the right way.

Who says the story ends with the last word?

"He knew only darkness. A heavy imposing darkness that weighted down upon his mind, threatening to crush him. It flowed all around him, tugging at him, pressing, stabbing. A soaring pain come with it, making him want to scream out, but the weariness he felt drowned any attempt to do so. He could barely gather the strength to think, even less to give voice to the pain. Was he alive? He shouldn't be. He remembered giving up the last of his power to Sonea, forcing her to take it so she could kill the remaining of their enemy, even though he knew losing that power would kill him in the same moment...
Sonea... The memory of her face lit up the emptiness in his mind, easing some of the pain. Tears had been streaming down her face the last time he saw her, anguish written all over it as darkness swallowed him. A feeling stirred deep within him then, desperation and sorrow welling up. He would never see her again now, never again feel the soft touch of her skin or inhale her sweet scent. Never again hear her laugh or see her eyes light with fierceness and determination as she fought for what she thought right. Fought against the injustices towards the beggars and street children, those who she once had belonged to. A pain even worse then the one he experienced before pierced his heart and soul. He should never have let himself fallen this deep in love with her, but then he instantly knew he could never have loved her any less. He needed her, and he refused to move on to any other side where he new he’d lose her forever. He wasn’t ready to give her up, give up the future they should have had together, not yet and not without a fight. Ignoring the pain he carefully started to reach out with his mind, pushing against the darkness, searching for the one thing he knew could lead him on the right way. Gathering the remaining of his strength he concentrated and focused on penetrating the darkness with his mind. For what felt like an eternity he kept struggling against it, pushing ever further. Probing until… Ah! There! Hidden deep within its mists he found a resonating power, echoing from somewhere far away. Letting down the barriers he had held against the dark forces that had threatened to overwhelm his mind, he opened himself to the other power. And instantly he felt with wonder as the sweetest feelings filled the emptiness within him. Love, strong and unyielding filled him. Gently tugging at his essence it encouraged him to follow it back to the world, and back to the person who was its source. Joy and love greater then he had ever felt before swirled up inside of him as he felt her minds gentle touch. Akkarin, my love. Why did you leave me? Oh Gods, why did you take him from me so soon? Please don’t leave me alone here, I need you… Did she feel him? Did she know he wasn’t truly lost? There was just one way to find out.. “Sonea...” "


Characters © to Trudi Canavan and her The Black Magician Trilogy. Loved those books, wasn't just overly happy with the ending as you might have guessed. Well again, who says the story ends with the last word.. :P .

An oil painting I just got finished with. I was inspired by a trip to an almost uneartly forest one autum day... It has these old and very special trees that curves and bends in the most imaginable way, which has also given the forest its name "the Enchanted Forest". To me it really was enchanting.

I have to start writing more frequently in this blog, it feels like it was just yesterday I posted last time, but it's almost a month ago now... And a lot of thing has happened since then.

Today a friend of mine told me she was with child... I got so surprised when she said it, but of course very happy for her sake. She and the guy who she is living with are just wonderful together. I guess since we're in the same class it really feels like we're the same age and to me... well becoming a parent is far away in the future... got to find the right guy and all that first... and that seems to take some time..hehe.
Although she is a few years older then me, it still feels strange that she's going to be a parent the coming summer...

Well as I mentioned earlier a lot of things has happened lately, the guy I thought I was interested in turned up one day with his girlfriend... surprise. :/ Well I guess it's for the better. It's quite funny actually since I just the evening before that happened had started to doubt if I really did like him as much as I thought... or if it was just the impatient lonely side of me who just wanted *something* to be there. Anyway, I won't have to worry more about that now at least.

Also, today, I've started to read a really great book by Anthony Robbins, "Unlimited Power". It's about finding your inner strength and use it to grow as a person, using something called NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming). I haven't really got a grasp on it yet, but I think it's about how to take better control on your inner and outer language, and shape it to make you more effective and reach beyond your imagined limits. I'm both positive and a bit skeptical about this method... I really do think you can achieve more in life and become a better person just by becoming more aware about yourself and your surroundings. But the idea of changing yourself by adapting someone else's behavior isn't really appealing to me... But I guess it's a little what you do about persons that you look up to. Trying to change yourself to the better by adapting what you like by them...
It all started when I was on a really great lecture in school by a guy named Thomas Enhager, who coaches elite sportsmen. He talked a lot about how important it is that you start to take an inner responsibility before you try to affect the surroundings. Starting to think about how you want to be as a person in 10 years, or how you want your relation to someone to be, and then think about what you can do to try to reach that goal. I talked to him afterwards and he recommended this book then. So far I think I like his lecture better then Anthony Robbins book, but then again I've barely started to read it

hmm.. well I have to see... I've started to feel some kind of uneasiness lately and it frustrates me that I can't put my finger on what it is that creates it... Maybe this book can help me somehow. Right now I guess I will just have to try to quell the feeling until I encounter whatever is it's source.. For now I just want to enjoy the coming of Christmas.

So I've met this guy that I'm really starting to like... He's special. More mature then the other guys I've met, intelligent, funny... He's strong and he's radiating some kind of safe feeling that I really like. I get so mad at myself because as always when I start to like a guy like this, I can't act normal when he's near. I get so tense and nervous in a way. My mind gets all blank and I can't figure out a single word to say to him. It isn't strange that I never get involved in a real relationship when I stop talking to the guy I'm interested in... And it's so frustrating, cause I get so happy seeing him, and I think about him all the time, and then when we finally do happen to meet I almost wish him to go away so I can start breath and think normally again.. I wish sometimes that I lived during the Middle Ages where it was ok for girls to be shy and reserved, it was even sought for. But I guess my guy won't turn into a knight with shining armor that will come and ask my father if would be allowed to court his daughter.. Well dreaming never hurts.

So in a few hours I will finally know if I’ll get my new apartment or not, I’m just so thrilled about it! I can’t wait to leave Malmö for Lund, it’s so hectic and dirty and aggressive here compared to it. Just to breath the air in Lund is such a big difference from here. And then all the green areas, getting closer to the university, my friends, not having to worry about how to get home after a late night out. It will be just wonderful. :)
I wish I was so confident about my own feelings when it comes to other matters as well… There is this guy that I’ve know for a while now, and I just can decide how to feel about him, it’s so frustrating. :/. I don’t know if I’m just imagining that there might be something between us.. Sometimes I think he’s acting like he might have some interest in me as well, but then I don’t know if it’s just because I’m searching for those signs in his behaviour.. *wanting* them to there. But then I don’t know if I really want anything to be there either, we’re so different in persons, I have a hard time imagining that we ever would get along well as more then friends… ugh… Why does it always has to be this complicated?!
Well at least there are few things happening that I feel great about. The apartment and me joining a spexing team (it’s like student’s farce) this term! I will help work on the decoration, so there won’t be any stage acting for me (thank the gods!). But I think it will be real fun. And I will be meeting a lot of new fun people!
I’ve thought about how great it had been to try something new every year, a challenge like last years Dare Speak course, or just something fun that I haven’t tried before.. like dancing or climbing. This year it will be Spexing. :)